Yes, I am starting over again. I was going strong and went almost a full three months following exactly the detox protocol to heal my gut and body. I felt so good and finally understood how good you can actually feel when you take care of your body. And then we went to Hawaii and that was a food free for all. I don't know why I let myself go so far so fast but after that I could not reign myself back in. At my lowest my weight got down to 118. Then in just a period of a couple of months, my weight rebounded back up to 135-140 and the viscous food and unhealthy cycle began again. I have been up down the same 10 pounds so many times now and it was mentally killing me. As well as the fact that many of my previous symptoms were coming back. I started to experience anxiety and depression symptoms as well because I couldn't figure out why I didn't have the strength to go back to what I was doing before. I had done it once, how come I am struggling so much now? And I still don't have that answer completely but after a lot of soul searching I have come to some conclusions about myself and my health.
1. It was hard! I severely restricted the foods I ate, I focused on raw and the juice cleanses were mentally REALLY hard. Not to mention how sick I often felt from detoxing. Those created some mental blocks every time I tried to refocus and get back at it,because I just didn't want to go there and have to exercise so much strength and discipline.
2. I was pouring myself into my new Beachbody business and felt like I could just follow the nutritional programs included but I found that cycling from one plan to the next and not being very successful at any of them, due to excuse #1, that I was becoming a yoyo dieter and creating a very unhealthy relationship with food.
3. I am an emotional eater. When I began my Beachbody business I felt a lot of pressure to be successful, and to be successful quickly. The stress of it was causing some severe anxiety and depression symptoms and to soothe my agitated soul I ate! I am still struggling with this a little bit but I am aware of it and am working towards changing my habits.
4. From a lot of study and research, I also discovered that my gut is still out of whack and it never completely healed in the first place and so my body is actually working against me. All of the bad bacteria and parasites that feed off of simple sugars and carbs are sending signals to my brain to feed them. People who have gut issues feel strongly compelled to eat the foods that are doing them the most hard. Awesome.
5. I was trying to do everything myself and stopped trying to really give it to God and rely on Him for strength. I have had to humble myself more than once,give up pride, and now I am ready to give it to God.
6. I love to eat and resisted and still do resist, the change because I feel deprived and it makes me sad. Overtime,I want to be able to eat things I think are yummy,but in a planned and more mindful way so that I don't binge, crash and am unable to pick myself back up again. That is no bueno!
So those are my reasons for slipping, in a nutshell. I think there is more to it that I have yet to discover.
Now, several years later, with most of my symptoms back and with a full blown sugar/food addiction, I have begun to see a functional medicine doctor and will be starting a new plan to clean up my gut and break my food addiction at the end of June. But before I get my test results and my new plan, I wanted to have a handle on my sugar cravings, so starting today, I am doing the hard work to heal. I am saying no to sugars and simple carbs. There's no other way to go about it at this point. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I can't have just one cookie. I can't just have 1 lick of an ice-cream cone. It immediately triggers a binge response and I can't stop eating. So for now, I have to go cold turkey. Just thinking about it causes me sadness and anxiety. That's how hooked I am right now. And I know that this week is going to be tough so I am going to be posting in here to keep myself accountable. Looking back and reading what I was posting then, makes me yearn for the way that I felt as my body and mind were changing for the better.
And I also realize that I need a strong WHY in making sure that I stick with it this time,and my WHY is compelling. Here it is:
I am choosing to do the hard work and make these changes in my life now because:
1. I am tired of feeling sick and tired physically and mentally, I am NOT living up to my potential.
2. I am a health coach and I want/NEED to be a product of the product, a true example of the things that I teach others to do on a daily basis.
3. I want to get back to a comfortable healthy weight where I fit comfortably into my clothes and don't look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see because I have no self-discipline to stop shoving food into my face.
4. To be a better example for my family. I need to eat healthy and teach them to eat healthy. I can't be telling them to do this or that, and stop eating so much sugar, and then the next day bring hom 3 1/2 gallons of ice-cream and make brownies. I need to cook healthy meals and keep the junk out of the house. I don't want to create in them the same food monster that I have created for myself. I want them to have self-love and have a healthy relationship with food and with their bodies!
5. I want to prove to myself and to God, that I can do hard things!!! I am not weak. I am strong and I can rely on the strength of my Savior Jesus Christ. I recognize that of myself I can do nothing, but as I humble myself before HIM and give it to HIM and ask for his strength and guidance, that this weak thing can become strong! I need to build that testimony within myself and prove to myself that I can make these changes.
My fingers are tired of typing so tomorrow I will post my action plan. But I am scared, anxious but even more excited. I can feel and see what it will feel like to be that person again and this time,stick to healthy habits for life. My mind, body and spirit are depending upon it!
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