Thats kinda how I feel after the last couple of days. I feel apart over the weekend because my husband sabotages me with ice-cream! He said: "Doesn't ice-cream sound so good. Lets give the boys $10 and they can run in and grab it. I gave him that look, like really? I wanted it REALLY bad and he knew it but he also knew that I was trying to stay away from sugars and treats, so he takes it back by saying: "It's okay if you don't want to, I am fine either way." So he KNOWS that by putting the suggestion out there that I am still weak enough to cave AND he also knows that if I think that he wants something, I want to try to get it for him. So, I caved and I really enjoyed the ice-cream but it did set off a trigger of weekend binging. Monday I did great, and yesterday it was like a carb feast. I did start my period yesterday too so that might be part of it, but it is really frustrating to feel like you don't have control over parts of your life. I know that I do, but man it sure does take a lot of strength! I pray every morning for the strength and when I begin to exercise it, I know that Heavenly Father helps me to find alternative healthy fixes and the negative "screw it all" chatter starts to go away and I can focus. But if I give even once to that voice that says "just do it and to hell with the consequences" then it is all done for and my defenses are down. I hate that I am weak in this area, but I have to give a voice to it.
Today and tomorrow should be good days. I am committed mentally. Friday we are headed to Medford and that is always hard. I will have to be prepared with my own food and snacks because when we are with his family over there, there are always treats! Especially because they will be wanting to celebrate Father's Day and Craig's birthday. Then Sunday is Father's Day and Monday is Craig's birthday, so there will be ice-cream and cookies and french toast and spaghetti. Heaven help me. I need to stratetegize and commit to a plan before I just give in and gorge out. I KNOW it will make me feel awful and I KNOW that it won't help me to heal and I KNOW it won't help me fit back into my jeans and my summer shorts, but in the moment, I don't seem to care. Thats the key, how to switch my thinking in that moment.
I will post my strategy in here before Friday and stay accountable here.
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