Thats kinda how I feel after the last couple of days. I feel apart over the weekend because my husband sabotages me with ice-cream! He said: "Doesn't ice-cream sound so good. Lets give the boys $10 and they can run in and grab it. I gave him that look, like really? I wanted it REALLY bad and he knew it but he also knew that I was trying to stay away from sugars and treats, so he takes it back by saying: "It's okay if you don't want to, I am fine either way." So he KNOWS that by putting the suggestion out there that I am still weak enough to cave AND he also knows that if I think that he wants something, I want to try to get it for him. So, I caved and I really enjoyed the ice-cream but it did set off a trigger of weekend binging. Monday I did great, and yesterday it was like a carb feast. I did start my period yesterday too so that might be part of it, but it is really frustrating to feel like you don't have control over parts of your life. I know that I do, but man it sure does take a lot of strength! I pray every morning for the strength and when I begin to exercise it, I know that Heavenly Father helps me to find alternative healthy fixes and the negative "screw it all" chatter starts to go away and I can focus. But if I give even once to that voice that says "just do it and to hell with the consequences" then it is all done for and my defenses are down. I hate that I am weak in this area, but I have to give a voice to it.
Today and tomorrow should be good days. I am committed mentally. Friday we are headed to Medford and that is always hard. I will have to be prepared with my own food and snacks because when we are with his family over there, there are always treats! Especially because they will be wanting to celebrate Father's Day and Craig's birthday. Then Sunday is Father's Day and Monday is Craig's birthday, so there will be ice-cream and cookies and french toast and spaghetti. Heaven help me. I need to stratetegize and commit to a plan before I just give in and gorge out. I KNOW it will make me feel awful and I KNOW that it won't help me to heal and I KNOW it won't help me fit back into my jeans and my summer shorts, but in the moment, I don't seem to care. Thats the key, how to switch my thinking in that moment.
I will post my strategy in here before Friday and stay accountable here.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Don't eat me ever again!
Today has great except for the PB crackers I had!! I bought them on Amazon and they are made by the company that makes PB2 powdered peanut butter. They were really yummy and I only had a handful but I know that my body doesn't respond well to peanut butter and I especially don't do well with peanut butter and simple carbs mixed!! Thus the reason I need to STOP EATING SIMPLE CARBS!!!! At least I am not eating candy! I still see today as a victory. I avoided the stuff that always sucks me in and had grapes when I was craving. My stomach is bloated and gassy from the crackers so now I need to go and drink my shakeology for dinner! Don't judge! It's just been one of those nights! My kids are all asking me what's for dinner and I am like, I don't know! Whatever you want!! Guess I should go and help out a little! :)
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
I am struggling a little bit today. It was a rough night last night with our son who is having severe allergy reactions and it is HOT and we don't have air-conditioning. So I didn't sleep well and I can't stop thinking about eating. I guess I need to get busy working. I am practicing intermittent fasting and so I only eat from noon to 8 and then I fast from 8pm to noon the next day. I am down a 1/2 pound in the last two days. That's good enough right now. It's not all about the weight any way. Part of it is, but not all of it!
I fully realize that these are the times that I need to stay strong and practice doing what I know I need to do because I will have these days all of the time. I got this!
Yesterday went pretty smoothly but I did crave in the evening. So instead of doing something really bad, I had a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. Again, not the best choice but better than chocolate!
We have a ton of veggies right now so today I am focusing on vegetable consumption! I also bough some new Kombucha flavors that I want to try so I will drink one of those today too and a ton of water.
I fully realize that these are the times that I need to stay strong and practice doing what I know I need to do because I will have these days all of the time. I got this!
Yesterday went pretty smoothly but I did crave in the evening. So instead of doing something really bad, I had a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. Again, not the best choice but better than chocolate!
We have a ton of veggies right now so today I am focusing on vegetable consumption! I also bough some new Kombucha flavors that I want to try so I will drink one of those today too and a ton of water.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Day 2
Yesterday was my first day of no sweets and simple carbs. I don't want to say NO sugar because I am eating natural sugars and I am not being a total label nazi. If it is a healthy food and has 5g or less of natural sugar then I will eat it sparingly. But I am avoiding all artificial sweeteners, high fructose corn syrup, sweets, etc. I am also avoiding all simple carbs like white breads and pastas. I am excluding gluten and dairy 75%. I am just being mindful and am trying not to consume it at home but might consume some here and there when I am out and about or at a function.
It was fast Sunday yesterday so I fasted until 5:30pm and then had a dinner of 1/2 chicken breast, brown rice pilaf and a large salad with a yogurt ranch dressing. I know, dairy. I said 75%! lol And I was still hungry and starting to crave something sweet so I had a small cup of blueberries and then a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. I know that popcorn isn't the greatest choice, but a girls got to do what a girls got to do to get through the initial phase of no sweets. And then I was still hungry and craving a bit so I allowed myself a healthy, high fiber english muffin with a little bit of real butter. I tried to drink as much water as I could and I definitely felt satisified for the rest of the night. It was a little too much of a carb over-load which is a struggle for me, but I will get better over time!
I would like to start incorporating Alternate day eating, where I eat my healthy macros on one day and then the next I consume only Kombucha and fresh vegetable and fruit juices that I make myself. The idea of this scares me a little because I really like to eat, but I think it would be very good for me to get rid of toxins, and gain control of my cravings. I am not hungry when I do this, but mentally I just want to eat! I am going to learn how to make my own kombucha next week and I am going to go for it!
I am excited to hear back from the functional medicine doctor about my breath test and blood tests. I won't know about the stool sample test until i see her at the end of this month. Maybe I will hear about the others this week though.
I am mentally strong and ready to take on this challenge. My biggest hurdle will be getting through the afternoon which is when I usually crave like crazy and want a nap. But I will choose other healthy rewards instead of food.
It was fast Sunday yesterday so I fasted until 5:30pm and then had a dinner of 1/2 chicken breast, brown rice pilaf and a large salad with a yogurt ranch dressing. I know, dairy. I said 75%! lol And I was still hungry and starting to crave something sweet so I had a small cup of blueberries and then a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. I know that popcorn isn't the greatest choice, but a girls got to do what a girls got to do to get through the initial phase of no sweets. And then I was still hungry and craving a bit so I allowed myself a healthy, high fiber english muffin with a little bit of real butter. I tried to drink as much water as I could and I definitely felt satisified for the rest of the night. It was a little too much of a carb over-load which is a struggle for me, but I will get better over time!
I would like to start incorporating Alternate day eating, where I eat my healthy macros on one day and then the next I consume only Kombucha and fresh vegetable and fruit juices that I make myself. The idea of this scares me a little because I really like to eat, but I think it would be very good for me to get rid of toxins, and gain control of my cravings. I am not hungry when I do this, but mentally I just want to eat! I am going to learn how to make my own kombucha next week and I am going to go for it!
I am excited to hear back from the functional medicine doctor about my breath test and blood tests. I won't know about the stool sample test until i see her at the end of this month. Maybe I will hear about the others this week though.
I am mentally strong and ready to take on this challenge. My biggest hurdle will be getting through the afternoon which is when I usually crave like crazy and want a nap. But I will choose other healthy rewards instead of food.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Starting Over......
Yes, I am starting over again. I was going strong and went almost a full three months following exactly the detox protocol to heal my gut and body. I felt so good and finally understood how good you can actually feel when you take care of your body. And then we went to Hawaii and that was a food free for all. I don't know why I let myself go so far so fast but after that I could not reign myself back in. At my lowest my weight got down to 118. Then in just a period of a couple of months, my weight rebounded back up to 135-140 and the viscous food and unhealthy cycle began again. I have been up down the same 10 pounds so many times now and it was mentally killing me. As well as the fact that many of my previous symptoms were coming back. I started to experience anxiety and depression symptoms as well because I couldn't figure out why I didn't have the strength to go back to what I was doing before. I had done it once, how come I am struggling so much now? And I still don't have that answer completely but after a lot of soul searching I have come to some conclusions about myself and my health.
1. It was hard! I severely restricted the foods I ate, I focused on raw and the juice cleanses were mentally REALLY hard. Not to mention how sick I often felt from detoxing. Those created some mental blocks every time I tried to refocus and get back at it,because I just didn't want to go there and have to exercise so much strength and discipline.
2. I was pouring myself into my new Beachbody business and felt like I could just follow the nutritional programs included but I found that cycling from one plan to the next and not being very successful at any of them, due to excuse #1, that I was becoming a yoyo dieter and creating a very unhealthy relationship with food.
3. I am an emotional eater. When I began my Beachbody business I felt a lot of pressure to be successful, and to be successful quickly. The stress of it was causing some severe anxiety and depression symptoms and to soothe my agitated soul I ate! I am still struggling with this a little bit but I am aware of it and am working towards changing my habits.
4. From a lot of study and research, I also discovered that my gut is still out of whack and it never completely healed in the first place and so my body is actually working against me. All of the bad bacteria and parasites that feed off of simple sugars and carbs are sending signals to my brain to feed them. People who have gut issues feel strongly compelled to eat the foods that are doing them the most hard. Awesome.
5. I was trying to do everything myself and stopped trying to really give it to God and rely on Him for strength. I have had to humble myself more than once,give up pride, and now I am ready to give it to God.
6. I love to eat and resisted and still do resist, the change because I feel deprived and it makes me sad. Overtime,I want to be able to eat things I think are yummy,but in a planned and more mindful way so that I don't binge, crash and am unable to pick myself back up again. That is no bueno!
So those are my reasons for slipping, in a nutshell. I think there is more to it that I have yet to discover.
Now, several years later, with most of my symptoms back and with a full blown sugar/food addiction, I have begun to see a functional medicine doctor and will be starting a new plan to clean up my gut and break my food addiction at the end of June. But before I get my test results and my new plan, I wanted to have a handle on my sugar cravings, so starting today, I am doing the hard work to heal. I am saying no to sugars and simple carbs. There's no other way to go about it at this point. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I can't have just one cookie. I can't just have 1 lick of an ice-cream cone. It immediately triggers a binge response and I can't stop eating. So for now, I have to go cold turkey. Just thinking about it causes me sadness and anxiety. That's how hooked I am right now. And I know that this week is going to be tough so I am going to be posting in here to keep myself accountable. Looking back and reading what I was posting then, makes me yearn for the way that I felt as my body and mind were changing for the better.
And I also realize that I need a strong WHY in making sure that I stick with it this time,and my WHY is compelling. Here it is:
I am choosing to do the hard work and make these changes in my life now because:
1. I am tired of feeling sick and tired physically and mentally, I am NOT living up to my potential.
2. I am a health coach and I want/NEED to be a product of the product, a true example of the things that I teach others to do on a daily basis.
3. I want to get back to a comfortable healthy weight where I fit comfortably into my clothes and don't look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see because I have no self-discipline to stop shoving food into my face.
4. To be a better example for my family. I need to eat healthy and teach them to eat healthy. I can't be telling them to do this or that, and stop eating so much sugar, and then the next day bring hom 3 1/2 gallons of ice-cream and make brownies. I need to cook healthy meals and keep the junk out of the house. I don't want to create in them the same food monster that I have created for myself. I want them to have self-love and have a healthy relationship with food and with their bodies!
5. I want to prove to myself and to God, that I can do hard things!!! I am not weak. I am strong and I can rely on the strength of my Savior Jesus Christ. I recognize that of myself I can do nothing, but as I humble myself before HIM and give it to HIM and ask for his strength and guidance, that this weak thing can become strong! I need to build that testimony within myself and prove to myself that I can make these changes.
My fingers are tired of typing so tomorrow I will post my action plan. But I am scared, anxious but even more excited. I can feel and see what it will feel like to be that person again and this time,stick to healthy habits for life. My mind, body and spirit are depending upon it!
1. It was hard! I severely restricted the foods I ate, I focused on raw and the juice cleanses were mentally REALLY hard. Not to mention how sick I often felt from detoxing. Those created some mental blocks every time I tried to refocus and get back at it,because I just didn't want to go there and have to exercise so much strength and discipline.
2. I was pouring myself into my new Beachbody business and felt like I could just follow the nutritional programs included but I found that cycling from one plan to the next and not being very successful at any of them, due to excuse #1, that I was becoming a yoyo dieter and creating a very unhealthy relationship with food.
3. I am an emotional eater. When I began my Beachbody business I felt a lot of pressure to be successful, and to be successful quickly. The stress of it was causing some severe anxiety and depression symptoms and to soothe my agitated soul I ate! I am still struggling with this a little bit but I am aware of it and am working towards changing my habits.
4. From a lot of study and research, I also discovered that my gut is still out of whack and it never completely healed in the first place and so my body is actually working against me. All of the bad bacteria and parasites that feed off of simple sugars and carbs are sending signals to my brain to feed them. People who have gut issues feel strongly compelled to eat the foods that are doing them the most hard. Awesome.
5. I was trying to do everything myself and stopped trying to really give it to God and rely on Him for strength. I have had to humble myself more than once,give up pride, and now I am ready to give it to God.
6. I love to eat and resisted and still do resist, the change because I feel deprived and it makes me sad. Overtime,I want to be able to eat things I think are yummy,but in a planned and more mindful way so that I don't binge, crash and am unable to pick myself back up again. That is no bueno!
So those are my reasons for slipping, in a nutshell. I think there is more to it that I have yet to discover.
Now, several years later, with most of my symptoms back and with a full blown sugar/food addiction, I have begun to see a functional medicine doctor and will be starting a new plan to clean up my gut and break my food addiction at the end of June. But before I get my test results and my new plan, I wanted to have a handle on my sugar cravings, so starting today, I am doing the hard work to heal. I am saying no to sugars and simple carbs. There's no other way to go about it at this point. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I can't have just one cookie. I can't just have 1 lick of an ice-cream cone. It immediately triggers a binge response and I can't stop eating. So for now, I have to go cold turkey. Just thinking about it causes me sadness and anxiety. That's how hooked I am right now. And I know that this week is going to be tough so I am going to be posting in here to keep myself accountable. Looking back and reading what I was posting then, makes me yearn for the way that I felt as my body and mind were changing for the better.
And I also realize that I need a strong WHY in making sure that I stick with it this time,and my WHY is compelling. Here it is:
I am choosing to do the hard work and make these changes in my life now because:
1. I am tired of feeling sick and tired physically and mentally, I am NOT living up to my potential.
2. I am a health coach and I want/NEED to be a product of the product, a true example of the things that I teach others to do on a daily basis.
3. I want to get back to a comfortable healthy weight where I fit comfortably into my clothes and don't look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see because I have no self-discipline to stop shoving food into my face.
4. To be a better example for my family. I need to eat healthy and teach them to eat healthy. I can't be telling them to do this or that, and stop eating so much sugar, and then the next day bring hom 3 1/2 gallons of ice-cream and make brownies. I need to cook healthy meals and keep the junk out of the house. I don't want to create in them the same food monster that I have created for myself. I want them to have self-love and have a healthy relationship with food and with their bodies!
5. I want to prove to myself and to God, that I can do hard things!!! I am not weak. I am strong and I can rely on the strength of my Savior Jesus Christ. I recognize that of myself I can do nothing, but as I humble myself before HIM and give it to HIM and ask for his strength and guidance, that this weak thing can become strong! I need to build that testimony within myself and prove to myself that I can make these changes.
My fingers are tired of typing so tomorrow I will post my action plan. But I am scared, anxious but even more excited. I can feel and see what it will feel like to be that person again and this time,stick to healthy habits for life. My mind, body and spirit are depending upon it!
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